Have you ever watched a hip hop, zumba, or other dance exercise video and found yourself saddened by the fact that no such program exists for metalheads? Well, don’t despair! I have created the perfect full body workout called the Heavy Metal Extreme Fitness Guide To A Better Body or HMEFGTABB for short.
It’s fairly simple and can be completed at any metal concert you go to. It was created with those in mind who simply cannot find the time between work and life to workout. If you spend most of your free time at shows then this is for you.
We’ll start off simple.
JUMP:
For a warm up you’ll do exactly as the title suggests. You jump when the vocalist says “Jump” or any variation requiring you to remove any and all contact with the ground.
Wall of Death:
The next warm up (mainly because it lasts only a couple of seconds) is the wall of death!
You stand far across from someone who you will shortly charge with all of your energy. If you do enough walls of death you will be able to burn some serious calories because of the little spurts of sprints you will be doing!
Mosh:
Next we’ll get into some cardio! This one is highly recommended immediately after the wall of death, because chances are you will have no choice and will already be in the middle of one of the biggest pits of the night.
Skip to 2:45.
Circle Pit:
For those of you wanting some more cardio this is the next step you should take. Directions? Run in a circle… literally.
Hardcore Dancing:
Now for a full body workout you can pick any variation of hardcore dancing. You know when guys stand 5 feet apart and take on an entire army of ninjas? That. Don’t ask questions just do it. Even if you feel the song doesn’t require hardcore dancing. Acoustic set? Doesn’t matter, hardcore dance. The band is playing their only ballad? I don’t care, hardcore dance. The point is this: if you want the most serious workout possible you will hardcore dance!
BONUS ROUND:
Crowd Surfing:
No, I don’t mean you earned some relaxation time so you should jump up on your buddy’s shoulder and have them carry you around like you just won the little league world series. What I do mean is you should pick up the biggest person you can carry and launch them onto the unsuspecting people in front of you. Do this repeatedly until A) you can no longer lift your arms from exhaustion, B) Security has removed you from the concert, or C) the only person left around you is the giant bald guy in a SLAYER shirt.
Skip to 1:00
Stick to this routine to get in the best shape of your heavy metal life!
Coming soon: HEAVY METAL YOGA!
