Why You Should Date a Typical Metal Chick

Young women are typically characterized as feminine, cute, dainty, and innocent. The stereotypical girl in western culture indulges herself in Starbucks, owns a questionable variety of yoga pants, and spends way too much time on Instagram. She is a free spirit, a kind-hearted soul, and a redundant embodiment of the female youth. But there is one woman figure that destroys this image; this woman defiles the respectful representation of feminity and creates her own — and oftentimes offensive – idea of beauty and womanhood. These women are called metal chicks.

A typical metal chick will want you to hold her while you listen to her favorite Morbid Angel album (which is obviously anything except Illud Divinum Insanus). She will enjoy being engaged in heated discussions such as how Pete Sandoval is truly a legend to death metal drumming. She will also debate if whether Possessed or Death was the inventors of the death metal genre.

Along with discussing the perks of metal, she will also talk as much shit as you do. She will talk crap about Alissa White-Glutz as the new Arch Enemy vocalist and claim how bands such as Whitechapel and Thy Art is Murder are destroying the metal genre. But don’t leave the ridicule to national bands, you two will find shitty locals on Facebook and laugh at their awful recordings and their sad attempts at gaining a fanbase. You two will troll YouTube together and post all of your clever remarks to the comments section of the videos these artists post, and you two will gain a false sense of accomplishment which will result in a series of high-fives and steamy makeout sessions. But that false sense of accomplishment is okay, because you’re actually making out with an actual metal chick.

When you’re with your metal chick girlfriend, let her belt out her best gutturals for you. Tell her she does a great job and encourage her that she will be chosen as a vocalist for that badass band based on her talent and not on their biased opinion where they either oversexualize or undersexualize her. But don’t tell her she isn’t as good as Corpsegrinder, because the truth of the matter is you’re also not as good as Corpsegrinder. Hell, no one is as good or better vocalist than Corpsegrinder.

When you’re with your metal chick girlfriend, take her to the mall. Walk her into Sephora, since that’s the only store she would want to go into. She buys makeup to do herself up in corpsepaint, and you think that’s sexy. Take her into American Apparel, and laugh at all of the cut-up Slayer shirts on display. Then joke about how one day they will sell Burzum shirts since black metal will become a mass-produced fad, and swear to burn down every store that sells them if that actually happens. She will want to show off her new Mortician shirt that she cut up herself, and how she didn’t get drawn in to those overpriced shirt-cutting Etsy accounts. Be happy that she wants to look sexy for you, let alone the fact that she even listens to Mortician.

Date a metal chick who posts pictures of herself on Tumblr wearing a Bathory shirt, accompanied with several pretentious hashtags about how she deserves recognition for being a woman that listens to a well-known black metal band. It obviously doesn’t matter that she sits at home on the internet and doesn’t attend local shows and supports the music community in any other way. Honestly you want her all to yourself, because if she attends shows every guy in the crowd will get a hard-on when she merely sneezes.

Metal chicks enjoy the simple things, such as having passionate sex while listening to Insomnium. During sex she will want to pull on your hair. Let her. She will remind you constantly how pretty she thinks your hair is and how her hair would be as soft as yours if she didn’t dye it so much. And if your hair is short, grow it out. Let her play her favorite At the Gates album, even if that album isn’t Slaughter of the Soul. You should definitely question why that isn’t her favorite album; but then you have to remind yourself that The Red in the Sky is Ours is a great album, as well. Afterward, put in the new Carcass album and ask what her opinion on that album is. A metal chick wants her opinion to be heard. And if she replies that she feels their best work is Necroticism, then marry her.

A typical metal chick will paint satanic crosses on her nails, have 666 in one or all of her usernames, will headbang just as hard as you do, will look stunning in black lipstick and can handle more whiskey than you can. These are the reasons you love dating a metal chick: her give no-fuck persona and her passion for metal. So hold her close, make her happy, and give the world the horns – she will do the same.

DISCLAIMER: This article is a SATIRE PIECE. I’m not stereotyping or judging female metal fans. I’m just making a joke for the sake of humor, and the fact that I’m in on a Friday night. I myself am also a female metal fan and journalist, so don’t call me something along the lines of a “chauvinistic prick.” So if you’re offended in any way, then that’s your own fault.